Supporting a NICU family: Consistency is key

A stay in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) can be a stressful and emotional period.

The experience is different for every family — and how long your baby stays in the NICU depends on when they were born and what health conditions they’re facing, says Tamara Chao, MD, lead physician at MultiCare Regional Maternal Fetal Medicine – Tacoma.

Knowing that it could be a long stay, parents should think of it as a marathon, not a sprint, says Katy Miller, BSN, RNC-NIC, clinical assistant nurse manager in the MultiCare Deaconess Hospital NICU.

“They’re spending so much time at our facilities … It can be weeks to months, and that’s a long time,” Miller says. “I always try to remind parents that we know this isn’t part of [their] birth plan … so we try to make it as comfortable and safe as possible.”

It’s not “normal,” though, she recognizes.

With everyone’s focus on caring for the newborn and postpartum mother, it’s easy for things like meals or other responsibilities to slip through the cracks. That’s where families and friends can make a difference.

What you can do to help

“Your focus should be about providing support for everyday life outside of the NICU,” Miller says.

Most parents spend the day in the NICU, go home for a while, and then come back for evening feeding and bedtime, she explains. That could make for 12-hour days on top of travel to and from home or work.

For families who don’t live close to a NICU, Dr. Chao says the stress and financial burden of travel and lodging quickly add up.

If you’re a friend or family member who lives close to the facility, one of the biggest things you could do is open your home for the parents as a place to sleep and relax, she says. This is especially important for discharged mothers, as part of the emotional and physical healing process is having a place to stay close to baby.

Other ways to support a NICU family:

• Provide gas, coffee or meal gift cards
• Prepare meals to take to the hospital and to eat when they come home
• Help transport older siblings to and from school or day care
• Provide child care for older siblings
• If baby was transferred to the NICU from a nearby facility, you may be able to pick up any items left behind
• Deliver comfort items such as blankets, socks, extra changes of clothes or hygiene products
• Walk their dog or care for pets
• Help with household chores such as laundry, mowing the lawn or cleaning
• Organize a fundraiser to help cover costs
• Be a shoulder to lean and ear to listen
• Help expand access to care for premature and sick babies through MultiCare Foundations

Consistency is key

Just as caring for a medically fragile newborn is a marathon and not a sprint, so is supporting their family.

It’s important to normalize asking for help, Miller says. For mothers still in the hospital, Dr. Chao recommends connecting with nurses or social workers for support services.

“A lot of patients are here by themselves,” she says. “Nurses are there to help empower people to ask for help and connect them to the resources.”

As a nurse at the bedside, Miller says she’s able to tell when a family may be struggling, stressed or need a break.

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“It can be isolating … I try to sit down with them ask ‘Are you OK?’” she says. “Even offering to be like, “Go get some dinner,” and assure them it’s OK to miss a feeding or take care of yourself.”

Once a family goes home, that need doesn’t stop, Miller says. Oftentimes families find that support falls off after discharge, but that’s when they may especially need emotional support.

Whether you’re just an ear to listen, helping hand around the house or companion to get out of the house, staying consistent is important.

Things to avoid

While you may have the best intentions, be sure not to put more pressure on the situation. Avoid asking invasive questions or comparing your or others’ NICU experiences to theirs.

“Don’t pepper them with questions,” Miller says. “It’s a very interesting place to work and be, so I get the curiosity, but I think bombarding families with questions about when they’ll come home … don’t do that.”

Children aren’t allowed inside the MultiCare Regional Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic in Tacoma because it can be a painful reminder to some families about their experience or time in the NICU, Dr. Chao says. Be sensitive to what they may be experiencing.

“Wait until they’re ready and want to talk,” she says. “Just let them know you’re there and that you’re able to help.”