Green, beige and red flags: Signs of a healthy relationship

It’s easy to throw a “red flag” at someone for not giving you what you need in a relationship, but have you ever considered your own flags?

Romantic relationships take two people — each with their own habits, learned behaviors and expectations.

While these quirks can make relationships range from loving to frustrating, it’s important to recognize that both partners play a part — good, bad or indifferent, says Ahmad Bennett, MA, LMFTA, MHP, with MultiCare Behavioral Health – Northeast Community Center.

You’re not born understanding your emotions, how to voice them or how to be in a partnership, he says. Everything you know comes from what you saw in the people who raised you.

“Communication is a lost art. You have to challenge yourself and be vulnerable.”

If you had parents who would hash out a disagreement in the moment, you may find it alarming when your partner needs time and space before coming to a resolution.

“Even I learned the hard way that if I emotionally react in the moment, I won’t get the results I had intended,” Bennett says. “If I could just say, ‘I need a break to process and step away,’ that honesty and transparency could save us a lot of grief.”

Being able to do that, though, only comes from understanding your feelings and the why behind them — and communicating that, he adds.

If you find that you become jealous when your partner gets attention from someone else, ask yourself why. Is there a deeper issue, such as a history of infidelity in your past, or is your partner responding to the attention in a way that makes you uncomfortable? Understanding your why and talking about it can help ease the tension.

“I like to say that there are three key things to a healthy, well-functioning relationship: healthy boundaries, shared expectations and direct communication,” Bennett says.

But this takes work, he warns.

“Communication is a lost art,” Bennett says. “You have to challenge yourself and be vulnerable.

Not every behavior or habit in a relationship is concerning. Some are good and some are simply things to work on. Jump into that work now by taking a look through these “flags” to see where you and your partner land.

Guide to relationship flag meanings

Green flag: Healthy or positive behaviors in a partner

Beige flag: Worrisome behaviors in a partner that should be addressed but aren’t reason for an immediate breakup

Red flag: Unhealthy or negative behaviors of a partner that are unlikely to change and should be considered reason to leave the relationship           

Vulnerability

Green: Open about emotions; willing to discuss hard topics

Beige: Struggles to open up, but communicates so and asks for patience

Red: Refuses to open up about emotions and avoids emotional topics

Jealousy

Green: Can openly talk or even joke about moments of jealousy

Beige: Strong emotional responses to jealousy, but can often work through these feelings and communicate so

Red: Requires you to change behaviors to keep them calm and avoid feeling jealousy

Silent treatment

Green: Communicates when they need time and space to process feelings before talking

Beige: Doesn’t communicate when they need time and space to process emotions, but addresses it later

Red: Doesn’t communicate what they’re feeling, shuts you out and doesn’t address it later

Bickering/minor annoyances

Green: Communicates things that frustrate or bother them, but can understand why and works to find solutions

Beige: Lets frustration build but eventually brings it up before it becomes a bigger problem; identifies root cause of their feelings

Red: Doesn’t address their frustration and lets it build into bigger blowup arguments

Compromise

Green: Willing to hear your opinions/feelings and come to a solution together

Beige: Struggles to give up control but is willing to talk it through

Red: Doesn’t acknowledge your opinions/feelings; gaslights you into thinking your needs don’t matter