Coping with grief during the holidays
The holiday season can be a time of joy, fellowship and anticipation. Yet for many, this time of year is shadowed by grief; more than 1 million Americans have died due to COVID-19 throughout the course of the pandemic, and the holidays can accentuate the loss of loved ones.
“Navigating the holidays during times of grief, particularly in that first year of loss, is really complex,” says Cathy Martin, MEd, LMHCA, a bereavement counselor at MultiCare Health System. “Gatherings tend to point out that a person isn’t there, and families can have differing expectations about how to handle holiday celebrations, which can lead to conflict.”
Below are tips about how to care for yourself during this holiday season if you’re grieving, and how to support friends and family who may be dealing with loss.
Focus on self-care
While a person’s experience with grief is highly individual, what’s universal is the need for self-care, particularly when pandemic-related factors disrupted many of the rituals and activities that typically bring people closure and solace following a loss.
If you are grieving, what does self-care during the holidays look like?
Give yourself permission to do what feels right. “Grief takes a toll on your energy level, and it may be a good time to turn down invitations that feel overwhelming,” says Heather Neal, a bereavement counselor at MultiCare. “Trust yourself — do only what feels supportive to you, regardless of what others expect.”
Make a plan; have an exit strategy. If you’re on the fence about socializing, it’s a good idea to contact the event host ahead of time. Let that person know how you are feeling and ask them if it would be OK for you to decide the day of the event whether you’d like to attend. If you do go, plan your exit strategy — drive your own car or carpool with someone who is prepared to leave whenever you are ready.
Embrace a change in routine. Loss can prompt a reevaluation of priorities about with whom and how you want to spend your time, and those priorities may change as you move through the grieving process. Allow yourself flexibility — if you decide going to an event you typically attend is too much this year, it doesn’t mean you have to permanently opt out.
Build memorial into the holidays. It can be healing to acknowledge loss during the holidays by creating new traditions. “Some people do this by setting a place at the table for a person who has died, making their favorite dish or writing a holiday card to them and placing it on the mantel,” Neal says. “Being able to express grief in a concrete way is important for adults as well as children.”
Take care of the basics. Regardless of what activities you decide to participate in, make sure you are staying hydrated, eating nutritious food, moving your body and getting enough restorative sleep. When the body’s basic needs are met, you are better able to tolerate the spectrum of emotions associated with grief.
When the body’s basic needs are met, you are better able to tolerate the spectrum of emotions associated with grief.
How to support loved ones
If you know someone who is dealing with loss this holiday season, here’s how you can best support them.
Listen. People process grief in different ways, so don’t assume what gestures or activities might be most supportive.
“It’s important to ask people who are grieving what they need and then listen to what they say,” Martin says. “Sometimes people just need you to listen to them tell stories about a loved one who has passed, even if you’ve heard the stories before.”
Acknowledge the loss. There is a tendency to protect grieving people by not mentioning the person who has died, but this avoidance is typically not helpful.
“A better approach is simply acknowledging the loss. For example, saying, ‘I’m thinking about your dad today. I’m glad you’re here.’ Then follow their lead in what they want to talk about,” Neal says.
Reach out. Immediately after a death, there is often a flurry of activity — friends and family sharing condolences and helping make arrangements. That flurry of activity tends to wane after a few months as people move on with their lives.
Yet grief does not adhere to a timetable. Proactively contact those who may be grieving, even if months have gone by. Make sure they aren’t alone for the holidays unless that is what they prefer.
Where to get grief support
Visit MultiCare’s bereavement services for more information about counseling, grief support groups and other resources. Many local hospice agencies also offer grief and bereavement services. Find a hospice agency near you by visiting the Washington State Hospice & Palliative Care Organization website.
Additional resources include:
