5 strategies to support positive sibling relationships

“That’s mine!”

“I had it first!”

“Get out of my room!”

If you’re a parent of multiple children, you may regularly hear these statements, or some version of them, in your household. You may wonder, will they ever get along?

While sibling relationships can be tricky to navigate, they have tremendous influence on our lives.

“Siblings give us that first glimpse into what a relationship with a peer might look like,” says Lauren Mitchell, a behavioral health therapist at Greater Lakes Mental Healthcare, part of the MultiCare Behavioral Health Network. “They also teach us important skills about communication and conflict resolution that we carry into adulthood, so the quality of sibling connections matters a lot.”

Read on to learn how to help your children foster healthy relationships with each other that last a lifetime.

1. Make time for siblings to bond

Spending quality time together is the foundation of any relationship. Early on, it’s important to provide regular opportunities for your children to participate in an activity together, such as playing a board game, doing a craft or engaging in imaginative play. You may also consider having your children team up to do household chores.

Finding activities to help them bond may be easier when children are close in age. But what about when your children are at different developmental stages or have different interests?

“Sometimes you have to get creative,” Mitchell says. “A good place to start is asking each of them to come up with a list of what they might like to do together. It could be as simple as going out for ice cream, taking a walk around the neighborhood or visiting a park they both like. Some older siblings also enjoy the opportunity to teach a younger sibling a skill.”

Spending time together as a family, no matter the age of your children, also encourages bonding among siblings and can give parents an opportunity to model skills like negotiation and problem solving.

2. Schedule one-on-one time with each child

Just as families and siblings need time with each other, each child also also needs one-on-one time with you, and that time should be divvied up as equally as possible.

“When children feel like they don’t get enough individualized attention from a parent, it can spill over into their interactions with their siblings, contributing to rivalries and conflict,” Mitchell says.

Older children and teens may be less likely to want to spend one-one-one time with a parent — but even if they frequently turn you down, it’s still important to extend the offer and allow them to choose what you do together.

“If parents stop offering to hang out one-on-one with one child and are only doing activities with another, it can be perceived as playing favorites,” Mitchell says.

3. Avoid showing favoritism

While this may seem like a no-brainer, parents can sometimes unknowingly behave in ways that children perceive as showing favoritism. For example, you may allow an older sibling to have privileges — such as staying up later or playing certain video games — that aren’t appropriate for your younger child, yet your younger child may accuse you of favoritism.

What should you do if this happens?

“Take the time to explain the connection between privileges and responsibility in an age-appropriate way,” Mitchell says. “And you may want to dig a little deeper too. Is there something else going on that’s prompting this feeling? Could they benefit from more individualized attention?”

Another no-no? Comparing one child to another. For example: “Your sister behaves when we go to the store — why can’t you?” Not only are comparisons to other siblings likely to harm your child’s self-esteem, but they may also be perceived as showing favoritism.

4. Effectively manage sibling conflict 

Sibling squabbles can be valuable lessons in conflict management. As a parent, when should you intervene and when should you let siblings try to resolve disagreements on their own? That depends on their developmental ages and emotional state, among other factors.

“Pay attention to your child’s warning signs — often nonverbal — that indicate they’re becoming too emotionally escalated,” Mitchel says. “When they reach a certain point, the logical part of their brain goes offline and they aren’t able to participate in problem solving. It’s more effective for parents to intervene early at the first signs of escalation.”

When you do intervene, don’t make the mistake of trying to immediately address the conflict, which is likely to backfire. Instead, de-escalate the situation first, part of an evidence-based approach called emotion coaching.

“Start out with a simple reflection, like ‘I see that your hands are clenched. It looks like you might be feeling mad. Would you like to take a deep breath?’” Mitchell says. “This gives your child a chance to calm down so that the logical part of the brain can switch back on and they can meaningfully participate in a discussion.”

Next, you might offer choices about how your children can solve the problem, such as taking turns with a toy or choosing a different activity altogether.

Siblings close in age often have to share a lot, from friends to bedrooms to toys, which can lead to conflict. It can be helpful for each child to have their own designated space, even if it’s just a certain area of a room, as well as a few toys or other items they don’t have to share with others.

5. Set and maintain boundaries for caretaking

While having an older child take care of a younger child is a necessity in many households, it can lead to sibling conflict.

“When a child has to take on a caregiving role, it can be hard for them to step out of that role — they may constantly feel like a caregiver, which can cause feelings of resentment,” Mitchell says. “It’s important to set and maintain boundaries around when caretaking is expected, and when a parent is around, the parent should always be fulfilling that role.”

It’s also important to make sure your older child is set up for success when it comes to caretaking.

“Help them come up with a plan for how they will manage difficult behaviors or feelings your younger child may display,” Mitchell says. “The more equipped they feel to handle these situations, the more positive their interactions with their younger sibling will be.”